My TMS Experience Days 8 & 9, also MD appointments

Day 8:  This was ok.  Pain was a little higher than the previous day.  Anna led the session.

Day 9:  Today really hurt for some reason.  Also I was sleepy, and kept on nodding off between sessions.  Bradley was my leader today.  So I’m so depressed and gloomy I can’t be optimistic, but I figure I can be grateful and fake cheer.  Today this led to me grinning before every shock.  I don;t even know sometimes.

I met with Dr. Ellis monday.  She tried to be emphatic that even if TMS doesn’t work, it’s not the last option.  Sigh.  She also wants to increase my Lamictal but wanted to check with Dr. Packer.  I also met with Hope yesterday.

I’m just so tired of feeling this way.  I miss the old me.

I told my family….

For a deeply private person, I decided to open up to my family about having TMS. I’m the youngest of seven, so when I say “my family” I mean brothers 1-3, sisters-in-law 1-3, 2 nephews and 1 niece.  i emailed them:

Hey gang,

As you may or may not know, I have depression.  It’s gotten pretty bad over the last year and a half.  As such, I’m currently undergoing Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) at (hospital) 5x a week for it for the next six ish weeks.
I just wanted you to be aware of this, as I had my first session yesterday.  Please keep this within the email recipients for now. 
Please feel free to ask me anything.  I love you all 
The response was overwhelmingly positive.  However, the sweetest was probably my conversation with Nephew1, where he asked about it today.

 

End of the First Week Rant

I have completed the first week of TMS treatment.  And I am going to be honest:  I think I hate it.  I hate the noise, even with earplugs.  I hate the pain (it’s peak migraine season for me, so I can;t just safely take a daily tylenol).  I hate having my eyes water the while time.  I hate how it has fucked up my sleep.  I hate having my mom drive me to clinic every day.  I hate how it’s making me put my life on hold.  Furthermore, I’ve been depressed since I was 17.  What if I hate who I am without depression?

And I’m frustrated because for the past year, I have tried to be grateful, figuring even if I can’t be hopeful, I can be grateful.  And I have great medical care, family, insurance.

I don;t know.  Maybe this will pass.

My TMS experience: Day 1

confused-muddled-illogical-disorientedI checked into the clinic.  I met Bridget, one of many BA level clinicians who do the treatments.  She gave me a long check in, then a Beck depression inventory.  I asked about things to do:  I’m wearing earplugs, so no headphones (I’d seen Neal Brennan mention he watched the Daily Show.  I read a book on my Kindle instead.  She fitted me with a white lycra swim cap-this hurt as I have a big head and she pulled my hair a couple of times.  She does sharpie marks while giving pulses.

Then the TMS statrted.  I found it painful, and also the vibrating in my skull made me sneeze (this also happened when I had microneedleing on my face last year). I wonder if part of the pain is just my scalp being sore from years of trichtillomania, though. Also the magnetic pulses make your hand twitch and I don’t like that.
I was giving myself the “ok, I’ll try this for a week.  Sigh.” treatment during my  session to be honest.

The neurologist (Dr Baer) spoke with me before I left.  He said this happens to 20% of patients.

IT WAS APPROVED!

pexels-photo-207480So the landline rings this morning and it’s Lizzie from the TMS clinic.  I was approved and she was calling to schedule a start date.  We schedule May 1, then she called back an hour later with a cancellation:  so I start on Tuesday.  I am terrified, excited, and a mess,

I had finally decided what to do about work, which is/was cemented by my session times being all over the place.  I’m asking them to let me work Sundays because of a “medical treatment.”  Hopefully it will be ok.

I emailed Hope and asked her to speak with the doctors at the TMS clinic.