Day 8: This was ok. Pain was a little higher than the previous day. Anna led the session.
Day 9: Today really hurt for some reason. Also I was sleepy, and kept on nodding off between sessions. Bradley was my leader today. So I’m so depressed and gloomy I can’t be optimistic, but I figure I can be grateful and fake cheer. Today this led to me grinning before every shock. I don;t even know sometimes.
I met with Dr. Ellis monday. She tried to be emphatic that even if TMS doesn’t work, it’s not the last option. Sigh. She also wants to increase my Lamictal but wanted to check with Dr. Packer. I also met with Hope yesterday.
I’m just so tired of feeling this way. I miss the old me.
For a deeply private person, I decided to open up to my family about having TMS. I’m the youngest of seven, so when I say “my family” I mean brothers 1-3, sisters-in-law 1-3, 2 nephews and 1 niece. i emailed them:
As you may or may not know, I have depression. It’s gotten pretty bad over the last year and a half. As such, I’m currently undergoing Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) at (hospital) 5x a week for it for the next six ish weeks.
I just wanted you to be aware of this, as I had my first session yesterday. Please keep this within the email recipients for now.
Please feel free to ask me anything. I love you all
The response was overwhelmingly positive. However, the sweetest was probably my conversation with Nephew1, where he asked about it today.
I have completed the first week of TMS treatment. And I am going to be honest: I think I hate it. I hate the noise, even with earplugs. I hate the pain (it’s peak migraine season for me, so I can;t just safely take a daily tylenol). I hate having my eyes water the while time. I hate how it has fucked up my sleep. I hate having my mom drive me to clinic every day. I hate how it’s making me put my life on hold. Furthermore, I’ve been depressed since I was 17. What if I hate who I am without depression?
And I’m frustrated because for the past year, I have tried to be grateful, figuring even if I can’t be hopeful, I can be grateful. And I have great medical care, family, insurance.
I don;t know. Maybe this will pass.
So when I met with Dr Packer for my intake, he mentioned he was involved in a study. They offered a nominal payment, free parking, and I figured I’d be a good candidate, so I volunteered. His assistant Jo called me and I set up appointments. Then I got bugged by the details and I was afraid of scaring myself away from TMS, so I opted out of it.
So the landline rings this morning and it’s Lizzie from the TMS clinic. I was approved and she was calling to schedule a start date. We schedule May 1, then she called back an hour later with a cancellation: so I start on Tuesday. I am terrified, excited, and a mess,
I had finally decided what to do about work, which is/was cemented by my session times being all over the place. I’m asking them to let me work Sundays because of a “medical treatment.” Hopefully it will be ok.
I emailed Hope and asked her to speak with the doctors at the TMS clinic.
So Insurance approved my TMS. However, Clinic hasn’t gotten that info yet. So more waiting, but here we go!