I hated today’s session. Today’s technician, Bradley, warned me that it might be worse because I’d had a few days off from the treatment. It was. I was able to use my own earplugs: apparently the noise reduction rating of 30 is what they aim for in noise reduction at the clinic. I also tried a saline nose spray before, and my nose ran whilst my eye was watering.
I asked Bradley about rebound headaches and he said it would be likely. Fucking awesome. SO THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? Maybe it’ll get better. I hope Dr Baer sees me this week so I can ask him about it.
See all of my TMS experience posts.
Book of the Session: I’m almost done with Chemistry by C.L Lynch.
For a deeply private person, I decided to open up to my family about having TMS. I’m the youngest of seven, so when I say “my family” I mean brothers 1-3, sisters-in-law 1-3, 2 nephews and 1 niece. i emailed them:
As you may or may not know, I have depression. It’s gotten pretty bad over the last year and a half. As such, I’m currently undergoing Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) at (hospital) 5x a week for it for the next six ish weeks.
I just wanted you to be aware of this, as I had my first session yesterday. Please keep this within the email recipients for now.
Please feel free to ask me anything. I love you all
The response was overwhelmingly positive. However, the sweetest was probably my conversation with Nephew1, where he asked about it today.
I have completed the first week of TMS treatment. And I am going to be honest: I think I hate it. I hate the noise, even with earplugs. I hate the pain (it’s peak migraine season for me, so I can;t just safely take a daily tylenol). I hate having my eyes water the while time. I hate how it has fucked up my sleep. I hate having my mom drive me to clinic every day. I hate how it’s making me put my life on hold. Furthermore, I’ve been depressed since I was 17. What if I hate who I am without depression?
And I’m frustrated because for the past year, I have tried to be grateful, figuring even if I can’t be hopeful, I can be grateful. And I have great medical care, family, insurance.
I don;t know. Maybe this will pass.
I have completed my first week of TMS treatment! Today’s session was also by Anna. She started my giving me my Beck inventory (I will be having them weekly on Fridays) The dentist chair had been moved, as had the desk. Anna offered to get me a pillow for my left arm (right arm is twitching). However, as my left arm is busy clutching the small stuffed cat I bring with me as well as my Kindle, I opted out. I my eyes watered for most of the session. I met the same woman with whom we had made small talk yesterday.
I asked Anna if there was anything I needed to know for the weekend. She said either an increase or decrease in symptoms could occur and to email them if need be.
Book of this session: My Fairygod Mother is a Drag Queen, got for free via Netgalley.
Read all of my TMS experience posts.
On Day 2, I had Anna, rather than Bridget. We were also in a smaller room, which had a softer chair. Putting my cap on hurt less, I don;t know if it was because I skipped hair product or not. We did the daily evaluation where you get to put your mood, your caffeine and alcohol intakes. This session was better: slightly less painful, no sneezing. I still don;t like it though.
Day 3 Anna and I were back in the first room. Went through the daily check in. It started. And then the sneezes started. Then the watering eye (on the side receiving treatment). I was also dozing off because I barely slept last night. So I was just in a bad mood: I still feel depressed. I am so tired of this feeling.
See all My TMS Experience posts.
RTMS has just begun to be being used by the Department of Veterans’ Affairs. It quotes a depressed Vietnam vet who took it with TMS’ inventor Mark George in a clinical trial. The vet reports that it was very helpful and he felt better after a week and a half.
See all TMS in the News stories here.
Sources linked to in the TMS in the News series are not endorsements.
I read Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson, AKA The Bloggess about a year and a half ago. I thought it was hysterical, so I followed her on Twitter. Today, I noticed that she had posted on her blog about how her increasing depression and that she was considering looking into TMS to treat it. She says she’s going to see the results of some bloodwork and then proceed from there. If she decided to do it, it will be interested to see a public figure go through TMS.
So I’d been debating what to do about work. I didn’t really want to go wait tables after having banging in my ears, plus the times of my TMS treatments varies, so like I couldn’t get it at 4 then work at 5pm. So I’m working one weekend day. I emailed HR and they required a letter from a medical professional. I had Hope send it. I found out today it was approved! W00t! So that is a load off my mind (I haven;t been there long enough for FMLA)
So when I met with Dr Packer for my intake, he mentioned he was involved in a study. They offered a nominal payment, free parking, and I figured I’d be a good candidate, so I volunteered. His assistant Jo called me and I set up appointments. Then I got bugged by the details and I was afraid of scaring myself away from TMS, so I opted out of it.