ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

pexels-photo-25293Email to Hope this evening:

So today I get a certified letter from (former employer), saying my COBRA ended on March 25.  First of all, I freaking contacted them about this issue in March.  Secondly, Insurance has been approving stuff for the past month.  

I contacted the TMS office (Lizzie), they’re contacting insurance, but for the moment I’m not going per their recommendation.
Ugh,

TMS in the News: Passion Pit lead singer livestreams his TMS treatment

Lead singer of the indie band Passion Pit, Michael Angelakos, recently livestreamed a TMS session on Facebook.  He has been open about his diagnosis of bipolar disorder, which his TMS treatment aims to treat. Angelakos, also admits to ongoing suicidal thoughts.

Personally, I think it’s great that he is being so visible about the less pretty parts of mental illness.  It’s a shame that the Facebook live video has been taken down, as seeing the procedure was a great motivator in my decision to get TMS and also to keep me feeling like I was doing the right thing signing up for it.

See all TMS in the News stories here.

Sources linked to in the TMS in the News series are not endorsements.

My TMS Experience: Day 6

Today I met with Dr Baer before the treatment.  I asked about rebound headaches.  He agreed they were a concern.  He suggested ibuprofen* before a treatment, and also gatorade for hydration.  I mentioned my feelings on TMS, namely that I hate it.  He said that people don;t see results until two or three weeks.  So basically I have no answers but I felt heard.  Sigh.

Today’s session was led by Bridget.  I once again used my own earplugs.  It was loud and unfun and it hurt.  Also, Bridget pulled my hair a lot putting on the cap, making my theory that product increases the pain more likely.

See all of my TMS experience posts.

Book of the Session: White Working Class by Joan C. Williams

*Ibuprofen gives me nosebleeds.  This should be fun!

My TMS Experience: Day 5

allergy-cold-disease-flu-41284I hated today’s session.  Today’s technician, Bradley, warned me that it might be worse because I’d had a few days off from the treatment.  It was.  I was able to use my own earplugs: apparently the noise reduction rating of 30 is what they aim for in noise reduction at the clinic.  I also tried a saline nose spray before, and my nose ran whilst my eye was watering.

I asked Bradley about rebound headaches and he said it would be likely.  Fucking awesome.  SO THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?  Maybe it’ll get better.  I hope Dr Baer sees me this week so I can ask him about it.

See all of my TMS experience posts.

Book of the Session:  I’m almost done with Chemistry by C.L Lynch.

I told my family….

For a deeply private person, I decided to open up to my family about having TMS. I’m the youngest of seven, so when I say “my family” I mean brothers 1-3, sisters-in-law 1-3, 2 nephews and 1 niece.  i emailed them:

Hey gang,

As you may or may not know, I have depression.  It’s gotten pretty bad over the last year and a half.  As such, I’m currently undergoing Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) at (hospital) 5x a week for it for the next six ish weeks.
I just wanted you to be aware of this, as I had my first session yesterday.  Please keep this within the email recipients for now. 
Please feel free to ask me anything.  I love you all 
The response was overwhelmingly positive.  However, the sweetest was probably my conversation with Nephew1, where he asked about it today.

 

End of the First Week Rant

I have completed the first week of TMS treatment.  And I am going to be honest:  I think I hate it.  I hate the noise, even with earplugs.  I hate the pain (it’s peak migraine season for me, so I can;t just safely take a daily tylenol).  I hate having my eyes water the while time.  I hate how it has fucked up my sleep.  I hate having my mom drive me to clinic every day.  I hate how it’s making me put my life on hold.  Furthermore, I’ve been depressed since I was 17.  What if I hate who I am without depression?

And I’m frustrated because for the past year, I have tried to be grateful, figuring even if I can’t be hopeful, I can be grateful.  And I have great medical care, family, insurance.

I don;t know.  Maybe this will pass.

My TMS Experience: Day 4

I have completed my first week of TMS treatment! Today’s session was also by Anna. She started my giving me my Beck inventory (I will be having them weekly on Fridays) The dentist chair had been moved, as had the desk.  Anna offered to get me a pillow for my left arm (right arm is twitching).  However, as my left arm is busy clutching the small stuffed cat I bring with me as well as my Kindle, I opted out.  I my eyes watered for most of the session.  I met the same woman with whom we had made small talk yesterday.

I asked Anna if there was anything I needed to know for the weekend.  She said either an increase or decrease in symptoms could occur and to email them if need be.

Book of this session:  My Fairygod Mother is a Drag Queen, got for free via Netgalley.

Read all of my TMS experience posts.

My TMS experience: Days 2 and 3

woman in a white turtleneck cluthing her head.

On Day 2, I had Anna, rather than Bridget.  We were also in a smaller room, which had a softer chair.  Putting my cap on hurt less, I don;t know if it was because I skipped hair product or not.  We did the daily evaluation where you get to put your mood, your caffeine and alcohol intakes.  This session was better:  slightly less painful, no sneezing.  I still don;t like it though.

Day 3 Anna and I were back in the first room.  Went through the daily check in.  It started.  And then the sneezes started.  Then the watering eye (on the side receiving treatment).  I was also dozing off because I barely slept last night.  So I was just in a bad mood:  I still feel depressed.  I am so tired of this feeling.

See all My TMS Experience posts.

My TMS experience: Day 1

confused-muddled-illogical-disorientedI checked into the clinic.  I met Bridget, one of many BA level clinicians who do the treatments.  She gave me a long check in, then a Beck depression inventory.  I asked about things to do:  I’m wearing earplugs, so no headphones (I’d seen Neal Brennan mention he watched the Daily Show.  I read a book on my Kindle instead.  She fitted me with a white lycra swim cap-this hurt as I have a big head and she pulled my hair a couple of times.  She does sharpie marks while giving pulses.

Then the TMS statrted.  I found it painful, and also the vibrating in my skull made me sneeze (this also happened when I had microneedleing on my face last year). I wonder if part of the pain is just my scalp being sore from years of trichtillomania, though. Also the magnetic pulses make your hand twitch and I don’t like that.
I was giving myself the “ok, I’ll try this for a week.  Sigh.” treatment during my  session to be honest.

The neurologist (Dr Baer) spoke with me before I left.  He said this happens to 20% of patients.